7 Life Lessons

As a bona-fide human, I like to think I know a thing or two about being alive. It’s a risky business, sure, but I’ve learnt some key life lessons along the way. Here are 7 of them – one for every day of the week I could have spent sleeping.

1: When something goes wrong in life, and you feel like a failure, all you need to remember is one thing: alcohol was invented for a reason, and repression is a wonderful thing.

When I reached my second year at university, I decided it was better for my mental health if every time I failed I bought a bottle of Jameson. Not only did it not help, it broke my bank account *ahem* overdraft (which were also invented for a reason).

2. Essays are stressful, difficult, and extremely time consuming. But with a little bit of integrity, a six-pack of Red Bull, and a sprinkling of Pro Plus you can beat that all-nighter.

I felt like I had died, been microwaved back to life, and then died again, but I always got my essays in on time. (Seriously, though, don’t take Pro Plus, it’s Satan’s cocaine).

3. Never, ever sleep with your make-up on.

Unless you’re drunk, or stoned, or tired, or just generally can’t be bothered. But try to remember to take it off straightaway in the morning. Or afternoon, or evening, or whenever you can be bothered.

4. You're never as good a dancer as you think you are, no matter how drunk you get.

But that doesn't mean you should stop doing it. Go nuts, let loose, who cares?!

5. Buying drain unblocker is expensive, but swirling your loose hairs around on the wall next to the shower is absolutely free.

Plus it keeps your drains clear and you can make pretty patterns.

6. There’s nothing that makes you want to shrivel up and die more than when you remember that embarrassing thing you did on April 4^th 2001 while you’re on the toilet.

So always remember your phone to avoid any unwanted memories creeping up on you while your demon is creeping out of you.

7. As I’ve grown older, I’ve realised that pleasing everyone is impossible.

But pleasing yourself comes much more easily, so make an evening out of it.

At the end of the day, life is like a never-ending exam. You’ll get things right, you’ll get things wrong, you’ll cry, you’ll tear your hair out, and you’ll keep looking at everyone else to see if you’re in the same boat. But it’s okay, because it’s never-ending – so you can never definitively fail.

Right?